Elijah is with Grandma this morning. On the verge of crawling, but not quite getting the hang of it, he’s sending greetings and a smile to Grandpa. Grandpa shares it here with other news-weary gluttons of punishment on Views from the Edge. Families are always a little whacked! Sometimes, to preserve the bonds of affection, we’d all be better off if we couldn’t talk. 🙂
Grandpa, I have a new cousin!
Newborn Calvin — Elijah’s first cousin
Yes, I know. Calvin was born last week. He’s beautiful!
Yeah. What’s a cousin?
Well, you seem pretty excited, so I thought you must know what a cousin is. But since you asked, Calvin is the child born to your mother’s brother, Andrew, and your Aunt Alice. Because he’s your mother’s brother’s child, that makes Calvin your first cousin.
But he wasn’t borned, Grandpa. He was taken.
What do you mean? Of course, he was born. By the way, he was born, not borned. You’ll learn about tenses later.
Okay. Whatever. Mom was pretty tense when Calvin was borned because he wasn’t borned; he was taken by Caesar.
Julius Caesar
Oh, my, Elijah! Where’d you learn about Caesar? Caesar didn’t “take” him; Calvin was taken by Cesarian section. It’s a medical procedure, not a kidnapping.
Yeah, so Calvin never got to be borned like me. He never had to fight his way into the world like I did. I’ll teach him how to fight, Grandpa. He’s my first cousin, my little cousin.
It’s much more complicated than that, Elijah. Someday you’ll understand it better. It wasn’t that Calvin wasn’t fighting his way through the birth canal; your Aunt Alice’s blood pressure became dangerously high. You’re lucky to have Calvin for your cousin. And he lives just a mile away from you and Mom. You’ll get to play with each other all the time.
Do you have a first cousin, Grandpa?
I do, Elijah. Lots of them. But, when I was growing up, all my first cousins lived far, far away in Maine and Massachusetts. We lived in Pennsylvania. We only got to play with each other for two weeks every summer when my parents took me there on vacation. You’re fortunate, Elijah! You and Calvin are both blessed to have each other. So are Grandma and Grandpa.
That’s sad, Grandpa. That’s really sad. But you’re not making sense. You said “first cousins“. Calvin’s my first cousin. You can’t have more than one first cousin. Sometimes i worry you’re losing it, Grandpa. But even if you are, my first cousin Calvin and my other cousins, if I have any, will take care of you and Grandma. I promise!
What can’t you take, Elijah?
You-Know-Who!
No, I don’t. You said you can’t take “it” anymore. Not “who”. What are you talking about?
Grandpa, I can’t take “it” anymore because You-Know-Who is making me cry!
I’m sorry, but I still don’t know who “who” is. Who’s “who”?
Grandpa, you’re supposed to know this stuff!!!
Well, communication’s a very tricky thing, Elijah, as you’re finding out. You can”t assume other people know what you mean by “it” and “You-Know-Who”. They don’t unless you spell it out. Clear communication depends on you.
No. Depends are for adults, Grandpa; we discussed this yesterday. Huggies are for us. Your generation wears Depends; my generation wears Huggies. And President You-Know-Who is taking away all the huggies your generation is supposed to give the next generation.
Ah, so now you’re speaking more clearly! You-Know-Who is President You-Know-Who, the president whose name your babysitter refuses to say out loud like all the curse words she’s teaching you not to use. So now I know who “who” is. But I still don’t know what “it” is? What is “it” you can’t take anymore, Elijah?
Grandpa, you know! “Who” and “it” are the same thing. You-Know-Who just made an announcement in Utah — something about cutting bears’ ears and shrinking grand staircases. He thinks they’re too big. How big can bears ears be? He just keeps wrecking stuff. And he’s all in for that guy from Alabama! What’s with that?
Oh, you mean Roy Moore?
Yeah, Roy Moore, the 10 Commandments guy.
Bill Day cartoon – The 10 Commandments and Roy Moore
He’s not a 10 Commandments guy, Elijah. Neither is You-Know-Who. They only know one commandment and they think it’s about them: “I am the LORD, your God. You shall have no other gods before me.” That’s the First Commandment.
Yeah! “Love yourself only, and feel free to abuse women, teenage girls, and Bears Ears and Grand Staircase Monuments in Utah.”
Bears Ears National Monument
I’m glad we had this talk, Elijah. You’ve made yourself clear. I can’t take “it” or You-Know-Who anymore either. “It” seems to get worse every day.
But remember the Sabbath, to keep it holy, Elijah. We all need to take a break and remember who’s God.
Elijah asks Grandpa about President You-Know-Who
Grandpa, is President You-Know-Who an adult?
Yes, Elijah, he’s 71 years old. You have to be an adult to president. The Constitution says so. You have to be at least 35. Why?
Marissa says he’s a brat. I thought all brats were children.
No, some brats are adults. Some people just never grow up. They think the whole world is centered on them. I don’t want you to grow up thinking that!
Mom told me that last night when I was acting like a brat!
Elijah, I think you must have misunderstood Mom. No six-month old is a brat. You just have needs that sometimes demand a lot of Mom’s attention.
Yeah, like when I need my diapers changed. Does President You-Know-Who’s Mom ever change his diapers, Grandpa?
No, Elijah. He stopped wearing diapers many years ago.
Hmmm. That’s weird.
Why? Why is it weird? President You-Know-Who’s an adult. Only incontinent adults wear diapers for adults. They’re called Depends.
Maybe he needs to get Depends. Marissa says he’s making a mess of the whole world. Like those videos he put out that Marissa and Theresa May in England said were really childish! He’s making a huge mess, Grandpa!
Yes, he is, Elijah. But, I guess it all depends on . . . . and before he’s impeached, I might need some Depends.
Grandpa, don’t do that. I use Huggies. You can depend on me. I’m a child, but I’m not childish. Like Jesus said, “a little child shall lead them.”
It wasn’t Jesus who said that, Elijah. It was Isaiah.
Whatever! I’ll talk to Mom. We’ll lend you some of my Huggies.
“Grandpa,” asked six-month-old Elijah yesterday, “who’s George Bush?”
Elijah and Grandpa
“Which one, Elijah?”
“George!”
“Yes, but there are two Georges. Both were presidents of our country. There’s George H.W. Bush, who is now 94 years old, and there’s his son, George W. Bush. Which one do you mean?”
“The old one. The one like you, Grandpa.”
“Why are you asking about poor old George, Elijah? He’s not doing well. He’s gotten a little feeble.”
“What’s feeble? My baby sitter says George is a dirty old man like Garrison Keillor, Al Franken, President You-Know-Who — Marissa told me never to say the President’s name in her presence or she’d throw me out of day care — or that judge down in Alabama, but NOT like Jimmy Carter! Who’s Jimmy Carter?”
Former President Jimmy Carter
“Oh, my, Jimmy Carter! I almost forgot. Jimmy was president too. Way back before George H.W. Bush. People made a big deal out of it when jimmy said he’d lusted in his heart. But, so far as we know, he didn’t harass anyone. That was a long time ago! Way before your time. It seems ages ago.”
“We want to be like Jimmy, right Grandpa?”
“Jimmy Carter would be a wonderful person to emulate, Elijah. But remember, even Jimmy’s not perfect. None of us is perfect. I want you to grow up to take responsibility for your own behavior and follow the Golden Rule: ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’.”
“So Jimmy’s a lot different from President You-Know-Who, right Grandpa?”
“He’s pretty special, Elijah. A professor named Ted Gup wrote about the difference between President You-Know-Who and President Carter last year in New Republic. Here’s what he said, Elijah.
“Unlike Carter’s words, Trump’s suggest a man incapable of looking inward, of feeling shame, humility, or love. That such a purposefully divisive figure could represent the best hopes of tens of millions of Americans, even as he revolts and alienates tens of millions of others, speaks to the yawning chasm that divides the nation politically and culturally. What comes to mind is the question that once brought down another demagogue, Joe McCarthy, more than 60 years ago: ‘Have you no sense of decency, sir?'” [“On the Subject of Lust, Donald Trump Is no Jimmy Carter,” New Republic, Oct. 10, 2016].
“Hmmm. Grandpa, who was Joe?”
Grandpa, what’s a ‘review’?
Where’d you get that word, Elijah? How are you spelling it? There are two spellings and they’re very different. One I can tell you about. The other I can’t until you’re old enough to handle it.
I don’t know how to spell yet! All I know is Mom picked me up from work this afternoon and she was really happy. She told Marissa she had a really good review.
That’s wonderful, Elijah! I knew her review was coming and that she was a little anxious about it. Everyone’s anxious before a review.
Sometimes I worry, Grandpa, that you’re not completely tuned in. You go off on tangents and forget the question. You don’t even remember. I asked you a QUESTION! Like I said — What’s a review?
Well, it’s a time when a boss and an employee sit down to discuss how work is going. How well the employee is doing at her job.
So which is Mom, the boss or an employee? I think Mom must be the boss.
No, she’s the employee. She works for the boss.
Okay, I think I get it. So Mom did really well?
She did, Elijah. She got a raise and the boss said all kinds of good things about your Mom.
Yeah, she’s the best Mom in the whole world, Grandpa! She’s really smart and she’s pretty and stuff but she’s also the best diaper-changer. Don’t tell Grandma I said that, okay? I don’t want to give Grandma a bad review. I don’t want to hurt Grandma’s feelings. But Mom knows me best. She knows just how I want my diapers changed. And she doesn’t get mad when I wake her up all night every hour ‘cause I’m hungry and can’t turn myself over and stuff like that. Well, sometimes, she gets maybe a little unhappy, but I bet she’s way more patient than any other Mom.
That’s a great review, Elijah. You’ve got the hang of it.
Okay! There’s one more thing, Grandpa, just between us guys.
Mom says she’s not pretty any more. She says none of her clothes fit and she thinks she’s fat. She’s not, Grandpa! She’s beautiful! She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. Don’t tell Grandma I said that, okay? She’s pretty too, and she’s Mom’s Mom, so I bet she was really pretty, too, before she got old and wrinkly like you. Don’t tell her I said that, okay? You can take it, ‘cause you’re a guy and you know you’re old and wrinkly and fat and you don’t care. Anyway, we’re reviewing Mom here, not Grandma. Grandma’s second best in the whole world. But Mom’s a superstar. As her boss, I’d give her a big raise!
You just did, Elijah. You just gave her the kind of big raise a mother lives for. Now, if you can just start sleeping through the night, that would be an even bigger raise you could give Mom. You’ll be her most favorite boss ever. Her one and only!
Grandpa, my babysitter was crying today.
Elijah (five months old)
I’m sorry, Elijah. Why was she crying?
Marissa’s cousin in Puerto Rico sent a text five days ago but Marissa didn’t get it until this morning. She was crying hard, Grandpa! It was really sad.
What did the text say, Elijah?
I thought you’d ask, so I asked Marissa to print it out ’cause you’re old. You don’t text so good.
‘Well’, Elijah, I want you to learn to speak proper English. You should say, “You don’t text so well” — not “you don’t text so good.”
Yeah, well, you say ‘well’ a lot. That’s not good. Well, here’s what Marissa’s text from Puerto Rico said. It’s not good.
Month 2. Day 1.
No power
We have running water
Telecommunications are fair on the best of days. I consider it successful if I can consistently get 2mb down. Today it’s about 0.13mb.
Traffic is insane
Fuel lines are better
Shopping takes hours
We are the lucky ones, the privileged ones. It’s not better, progress is slow, medical care is impossible for many.
We are here. We need your help. Keep pressure on news organizations, on elected officials, and aid organizations. Use your voice for people who have been silenced.
Grandpa! We’re gonna help, right? Are we ‘privileged’?
Elijah recoiled at the pictures from Las Vegas.
“Marissa, estamos seguros? Estamos en Las Vegas?” (“Marissa, are we safe? Are we in Las Vegas?”)
Marissa assured him that he wasn’t in Las Vegas. Las Vegas is far, far away, and they were nowhere near a casino.
Elijah was feeling calmer until Marissa’s husband came home for lunch.
“Ese hijo de puto! Sólo le interesan los casinos,” said Pablo. “¿Qué tiene que ver un casino con Dios? ¡No habla de Dios cuando habla de Puerto Rico! Él no es un creyente. Es un falso. Es todo gringo!” (“That son-of-a-bitch! He only cares about casinos. What’s a casino got to do with God? He doesn’t talk about God when he talks about Puerto Rico! He’s not a believer. He’s a fake. He’s all gringo.”)
Later that evening, 19-week-old Elijah visited his grandparents.
“¿Abuelo, qué es un casino?” he asked.
“Elijah, I’m sorry. Grandpa doesn’t speak Spanish. What did you say?
“Grandpa,” he asked, “I forgot. ‘What’s a casino?'”
Las Vegas casino slot machines
“Well, let me tell you a story about a casino, Elijah. A casino is a place where people gamble.”
“What’s ‘gamble’?”
“Actually gamble is a verb; the noun is gambling. You’ll learn the difference later. Gambling is when a person takes a risk with their money. Gamblers get a charge out of taking the risk that they’ll make lots of money, but they usually lose what they have. The casino is the business that makes lots and lots of money from gamblers.”
“Yeah, it’s like uncle Bob. He’s a gambler. He goes to the casino, right?”
“Right. Grandpa doesn’t like it, but, yes, he does. He’s gambled at casinos in Las Vegas and Atlantic City.
“Why don’t you like gambling?”
“Well, that’s the story I want to tell you.”
“I love stories! Is this the one about the Big Truck?
“No, it’s different. It’s a story that kinda rhymes with ‘big truck’ but it’s not a happy story. Years ago Grandpa went to a casino here in Minnesota to pick up a big check – thousands of dollars – that the casino was donating to Grandpa’s nonprofit poverty law firm.
“Because the casino belonged to an American Indian tribe, I asked an American Indian who worked with me at the law firm to go with me to pick up the check. I wanted the tribal chief, who was also the CEO of the casino, to hand the check to Richard instead of me.
“But you know what happened, Elijah?”
“What? You saw the Big Truck! I bet you saw the Big Truck on the way to the casino.”
“No, but it does rhyme with big truck. Here’s what happened. When Richard and I started to go into the casino, Richard wouldn’t go in. He just stood there! Like he was frozen. Like he’d had a stroke or something.
“I asked what was happening.
“‘I can’t go in there,’ he said. ‘My wife’s going to be in there at the slot machines. She’s here every day. We’re separated. We’re losing our house. We’re going bankrupt. I hate this place!!!’
“Richard’s wife took the casino bus from downtown Minneapolis every morning and spent the day at the casino hoping she’s get rich. She just got poorer day by day, week by week.
“That’s what a casino is, Elijah. A place that takes people’s money by making false promises that they’ll get rich.”
“Marissa’s husband’s like Richard. He hates casinos, but what’s a casino got to do with the President?”
“Well, Elijah, before Donald Trump became President, he was a real estate developer. He built a casino in Atlantic City in 1990 and put his name on it. Trump Taj Mahal cost $1.2 billion! He called Trump Taj Mahal ‘the eighth wonder of the world.’”
“But it failed, Elijah. It failed. The deal failed. He sold it for $50 million to a company named Hard Rock International.”
“Wow, Grandpa! No wonder Pablo called the President a hijo de puto. Pablo said the President only understands business. He doesn’t care about people like the poor in Puerto Rico who are stuck between a rock and a hard place. So, did you ever get the check from the casino?”
“We did, Elijah. I was Richard’s boss. I convinced him to go in. We went in and got the check from the Big Truck.”
Elijah’s Letter to the President
September 30 , 2017
Dear Mr. President,
I’m in my carseat for my first road trip to the cabin up north, but Grandpa shared with me the letter he just sent you. I’m proud of my grandpa and I want to be proud of you. Grandpa says you’re sort of like an uncle because you went through Presbyterian confirmation class like grandpa.
But my babysitter doesn’t like you. She speaks Spanish. During the day with Marissa, we’ve been watching CNN for news from Puerto Rico, and she’s said a lot of bad words about you.
She clapped when Mayor of San Juan Carmen Yulín Cruz called you out. Then, this morning, she cursed again after you admonished the Carmen. Marissa’s with Carmen.
I’m only 18 weeks old. I’m still trying to understand what’s real and what’s not. Right now I’m not sure of much of anything. I trust Grandpa and I trust Marissa. They both love me and take care of me. Both Grandpa and Marissa are as upset with you as the Mayor of San Juan in Puerto Rico.
I see the pictures from Puerto Rico and think you must, too, because you watch a lot of television, even if you consider CNN fake news. I’m little and don’t know much yet, but the pictures don’t look fake to me. And it’s not just pictures. It’s all over the radio. Marissa listens to NPR.
NPR’s Manadalit del Barco spoke to 8-year-old Yan Anthony Hernandez who is staying at a shelter in the city of Aguadilla on Puerto Ruco’s northwestern coast. The boy had a message for Trump.
“Stop tweeting and come help the people.”
Marissa wants to know whether you really care about Yan, the Mayor, and the rest of the people of Puerto Rico or just want them to go away like the undocumented workers you’re sending back to Mexico.
Sometimes Marissa sings to me. “Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world — red and yellow, black and white — all are precious in his sight. Jesus loves the little children of the wold.” Grandpa says maybe your babysitter sang that song for you when you were little like me, but I wonder.
If you have time to write back, I’ll share your response with Marissa and Grandpa and have them make another copy to send to Carmen in Puerto Rico.
Respectfully,
Elijah (18 weeks old)
Grandson of Grandpa Stewart
Seventeen week old Elijah dictated the following letter for Grandpa to send to President Trump after hearing the President’s United Nations speech. Here’s the letter:
September 21, 2017
Dear Mr. President:
I’m little but my Grandpa says I have rights under the First Amendment and that I should exercise my right of free speech to tell you what’s on my mind. I hope that’s okay with you. Grandpa says you’re bigger on the Second Amendment than the First Amendment, but they’re all part of the U. S. Constitution, right?
I’ve thought many times of writing you but decided not to until hearing your speech to the United Nations this week.
You may wonder why a kid like me would send a letter to the President, but there’s more than one good reason.
We have a connection you may not about, although my Grandpa is very famous, like you. You and Grandpa were baptized as babies in the Presbyterian Church. Your pastor at First Presbyterian Church of Jamaica in Queens took you in his arms and baptized you “in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost.” But before your parents put you in the pastor’s arms, they had to answer a question: “Do you promise, in dependence on the grace of God, to bring up your child in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”
I asked Grandpa what nurture and admonition meant. He said nurture is like when Mom breastfeeds me. Admonition, he says, is an old word we don’t use anymore and that’s a shame because you could use a good admonishing. Admonition, Grandpa says, is a way of setting boundaries on a child’s behavior; it’s part of the discipline necessary to raising a child toward responsible adulthood. Admonishing is telling a child “No. You can’t do that. You’re a child of God, but you’re not the only one.” Grandpa tells me that all the time. I wonder if your mother and father ever did that with you before they sent you off to the military academy.
So you and Grandpa are both baptized Christians. But there’s even more of a connection!
McGaw Chapel, The College of Wooster
Grandpa became a Presbyterian minister. He knows one of your church’s former pastors at First Presbyterian Church of Jamaica. Before Rev. Dr. Raymond Schwartzbach (Grandpa calls him ‘Ray’) came to your church in New York City, he served the college church at The College of Wooster which Grandpa served six years after Ray.
Grandpa says Ray was really special and that he left Wooster because he wanted to get back to the city. He told Grandpa that your church was the most multicultural church in the Presbyterian Church (USA) with 32 different languages — the most in the whole country!
Watching you speak to all those different languages at the United Nations made me wonder what happened to you after your pastor held you in his arms and baptized you into the way of Christ. Did your parents nurture you? Did they admonish you? Or were you left on your own? Did they teach you not to call people names? Did they admonish you when you did? Did they teach you the first article of the Westminster Catechism, that “the chief end of man is to glorify God…” and not yourself? Did they teach you the Beatitudes: “Blessed are the meek? Blessed are the merciful. Blessed are the peacemakers. Blessed are the poor. Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness”? Did they teach you that Presbyterians value simplicity and modesty, and that they dislike ostentation? Did they teach you to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you? Did they teach you the difference between loving your country and worshiping it? Did they teach you that nationalism is sin, that the nation is not God?
I’m just little and I haven’t been baptized yet like you and Grandpa. But I have questions. I’m not sure I want to be baptized if being baptized means I have to be admonished as well as nurtured. Maybe you feel the same.
Please answer if you have time. I know you’re very busy with Kim Jung un and Robert Mueller stuff, but Grandpa says some things in life are too important to ignore.
Respectfully yours,
Elijah
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