Two year-old grandson Elijah engages grampa in a telling conversation
Good morning, Elijah. Whatcha doin’?
Playing etch-a-sketch on our iPad. Did you draw when you were liddle?
I did. But not like that.
Like what, then? Was it a different App? What kind of Mac did you play with in your carseat on the way to day care?
It was a long time ago, Elijah. A very long time ago. It was a different world. We didn’t have day care. We didn’t have iPads and cell phones. We used to lick postage stamps back in the day.
What’s a stamp and why did you have to lick it? Were you being punished for being bad?
No, it wasn’t anything like that. We didn’t tweet back then. The only thing that tweeted in our world was Tweetie Bird on Loony Tunes.
How’d you talk if you couldn’t tweet? I tweet all the time. Watch! Mom hates it when I do this. I like FaceTime better. It’s more personal.
We sent letters. We wrote them with a pencil or a pen, put them in envelopes, licked the back of the postage stamps — if you had lots of letters, it took a long time — and we took them to the Post Office. The letters would arrive in two or three days, sometimes a week. We had to be patient back then. Everything was slower.
And we dialed phone numbers on rotary phones. I still remember our number on Church Lane, EL6-1490. Teddy Bonsall’s was EL6-1476. And sometimes, when I’d pick up the phone to dial Teddy, somebody else was already talking to somebody else on our phone. It was called “a party line“.
Wow! Did you have parties every day?
It’s hard to explain, Elijah. Maybe this will help. Search for the Postage Stamp Monologue on Mom’s iPad for a better feel for how grampa feels most of the time in your world.
Wow! He’s really mad, grampa! I’m glad you don’t have to lick postage stamps anymore or dial 999-999-9999, like Vanya. I got an idea! Let’s FaceTime Uncle Andrew and Calvin!
Uncle Andrew and cousin Calvin answering FaceTime call.
Gordon C. Stewart (Grandpa), Chaska, MN, Nov. 7, 2019.
You should have been there, Bumpa. You’d love daycare!
Well, we didn’t have daycare when I was your age, but daycare may be in my future.
I sure hope so. You’ll love the slide, Bumpa!
Elijah, I slide every day, but not the way you do.
Where? You and Gamma live in a condo. You don’t have a yard like we have at daycare. You don’t have a slide. You don’t have a swing either.
Oh, I do, Elijah. I do! It’s hard to understand at your age. It’s a metaphor. Bumpa swings up and down, back and forth, and slides further down the rabbit hole every day. Our country’s in big trouble.
You should read Uncle Gary’s letter again, Bumpa. You’ll feel a lot better.
Why’s that?
Mr. Quisling died a long time ago far, far away in Norway. Uncle Gary says he was execrated as a traitor. You don’t have to worry anymore about him, Bumpa. Was Mr. Quisling ever depeached?
Gordon C. Stewart (two year-old Elijah’s Grandfather [“Bumpa”]), Chaska, MN, October 11, 2019
Uhuh! I’m watching it right now, Bumpa. It’s real! The Big Bad Pig destroys the three houses of the three liddle wolves.
There’s a story Bumpa and Gamma grew up with, but it’s the Big Bad Wolf who’s bad. The Big Bad Wolf huffs and he puffs and he blows down two of the three little pigs’ houses but can’t blow down the third little pig’s house because the third little pig build his house of brick. The Big Bad Wolf couldn’t blow it down.
Nope! Different story! This is about the Big Bad Pig. Pigs are greedy, Bumpa. Pigs are nasty! The Big Bad Pig blows up all the houses, even the one made with brick and the one made of concrete. But then the three liddle wolves give up on security. They build a house made of flowers!
Hippies. Hippies were the “flower children.” People who wanted to make America better by ending the Big Bad Pig’s war in Vietnam. Hippies wanted peace.
That’s over my head, Bumpa! I don’t know about Vietnam! Gamma doesn’t talk like that. She knows I’m just liddle. She still changes my diapers. You never ever change my diapers! I like Gamma better!
I’m so sorry, Elijah. Gamma is a much better person than Bumpa.
But here’s the thing. The Big Bad Pig is at the G-7 meeting insulting America’s friends, and we’ll be stuck with his mess!
READ ALONG WITH ELIJAH ON MOM’S IPAK.
Gordon C. Stewart (Bumpa), Chaska, MN, August 24, 2019
Yeah. Playin’ with Mom’s fone is fun. Mom doesn’t need it. She doesn’t need the GPS. We do this every day.
I see. How long’s the drive?
Youk n o w, Bumpa! You’re playing’ with me! Forty-five minutes ’til Mom drops me off at day care. Depends on traffic.
That’s a long time to be alone in the back seat strapped in your car seat.
Yeah, but it’s fun! I get to play! Mom just drives. I have to bigger before I can drive, right, Bumbpa?
Right. You just turned two last Wednesday.
Yeah, I’m two! Two YEARS this time, not two months.
Yes, and we’re so proud of you!
Yeah, I get to do adult stuff like you and Mom.
I hope you won’t take this as an insult, Elijah, but how did you get me on FaceTime?
Don’t ya know, Bumbpa? I push the buttons on Mom’s iPhone. I love talking with people! It’s fun. They’re always surprised! Sometimes they come up on FaceTime. That’s really fun!
So. . . You’re just scrolling through Mom’s contact list?
We don’t use the stroller anymore! I’m two!
I’m sorry. I didn’t say ‘stroller‘. I said ‘scroller‘ with a ‘c’.
Yup. And I’m only through the ‘C’s! ABCDEFG, HIJKLMNOP. QRS TUV! Hold it, Bumpa. I got another call coming’ in. Can I put you on hold?
— Gordon C. Stewart (Bump) with Elijah, May 28, 2019.
Bumpa, put your hearings in. I got a question. It’s serious.
Okay. Just a minute. Now, what’s your question, Elijah?
We’re not supposed to lie, right?
Right. We should always tell the truth. We don’t want be liars.
Why? Everybody’s doing it?
No they’re not, Who’s everybody?
The mean guys!
Whatmean guys?
The Publicans!
You mean Republicans?
Yea, them. The Publicans.
Where’d you get that, Elijah?
I saw it on Rachel!. We couldn’t watch Simple Songs at daycare!
What did you see?
The Publicans putting little Mexican children in prison. I saw it on TV.
Okay, I see. Anything else?
Yes. Marissa says we don ‘t have to worry about dictators. We shouldn’t have to worry about dictators. Right, Bumpa? What’s a dictator?
Ah, I see. Dictators do whatever they want. They lie and cheat and get away with murder. Their countries don’t have constitutions to check their power. Understand?
We live in America, right?
Well, yes. We live in North America, like Canada, but yes, our country is called The United States of America. Does that make sense?
Bumpa, I’m only 23!
No, you’re not 23. You’re almost two. You’re 23 months, not years. You have 16 more years before you can vote.
That’s not fair! One last question before you clean your hearing aids, and don’t make it complicated.
Okay, shoot. Try me.
You said we don’t have a dictator. Do we really have a constitution?
Preamble of the United States of America
— Gordon (Bumpa) and Elijah, Chaska, MN, April 27, 2019.
Elijah spoke yesterday. Elijah preached yesterday. Elijah spoke from the heart yesterday. Elijah was kind yesterday. Elijah warned us yesterday. Elijah spoke of destiny yesterday. Elijah challenged all of us yesterday:
“C’mon now! We’re better than this! We really are!
