Tag Archives: Publicans

Elijah and Bumpa discuss Cousins

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Elijah: Bumpa, are they coming for us?

Bumpa: Who are you talking about, Elijah? You sound worried.

Don’t ya know, Bumpa? Don’t you watch Rachel? They’re coming after us!

You mean Rachel Maddow?

Yeah, I’m sorry! Mommy said I should be clearer with you and Gramma ‘cause you can’t hear so good without your hearing aids. I apologize, Bumpa.

Bumpa with hearing aids.

No offense taken, Elijah.

I’m not talking about football, don’t ya know?

I’m sorry. I wasn’t talking about football. I meant, “I won’t hold that against you.”

Hold what?! I didn’t do anything to get penalized.

Like I just said, I won’t hold it against you. I would never penalize you!

Yeah, the Vikings hold a lot! Their Offensive line is offensive. I’m not talk about the Vikings, don’t you know.

Well, the Vikings need help. Maybe next week they’ll hit the jackpot in the draft. It depends on what they do with Cousins.

I love Calvin and Isabelle. They’re fun, like Uncle Andrew! Don’t the Vikings like cousins?

No, no, no, Cousins is the name of the Vikings’ quarterback. He’s a free agent. He can sign with whatever team he likes best.

Is he going after them or are they coming after him?

Well, I’m sorry to say it doesn’t really matter. It’s all about money. Whoever has the most money gets Cousins. The teams that pay big bucks can afford the best defenses and offenses. Cousins might leave Minneapolis.

So Calvin and Isabelle are safe? They’re not coming after them?

Right. They’re safe. So are you. Who do you think’s coming for us?

The Publicans, don’t you know?! Rachel says so. They’re coming for us ‘cause we like Shifty Schiff, Crazy Nancy, and Crooked Joe.

I think you misunderstood. Rachel was talking about the Republicans. The Publicans are in the Bible. The Republicans control the House!

Not our house! Right, Bumpa? And not Uncle Andrew and Aunt Alice’s either. And Calvin and Isabelle are safe in their house, too. Right, Bumpa?

Right. Not to worry, Elijah. You tell cousin Calvin and Isabelle they’re pretty safe, too.

But what about what about Shifty?

I know you’re only in the first grade. Maybe Ms. Marple hasn’t yet taught you about how to talk about other people. We don’t call people names. It’s not right to call other people “RHINOS” or “Shifty” or “Crazy” or “Crooked.” We need to be more respectful.

Right! We’re not Publicans. We’re nice here n Minnesota, and, we’re Christians, too. Right, Bumpa?

Yes, Elijah. We try to be respectful. Often, people who do bad things can’t stop insulting other people confuse being prosecuted with being persecuted. Bumpa has known people like that. I was their pastor. They were in the Big House or in hospitals for the criminally insane.

Whoa! I’m tired, Bumpa. I’m only six! I’ve never heard of, what’d you call it?

Criminal insanity?

Yea, that.

I understand. We’re both tired. I’m late for my nap. We’ll discuss the Big House and the hospital for the criminally insane later, when we’re not so tired. But you won’t have to wait long, Elijah. It’ll be all over the news.

Bumpa and Elijah, Views from the Edge, Minnesota, USA, March 10, 2024

Elijah asks Grandpa about facts

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This “conversation” between Grandpa (Bumpa) and Elijah took place during the Senate’s first impeachment trial. It’s been buried in the draft file. Elijah was two-and-a-half at the time. But some things are still true when Elijah is four.

Elijah and Bumpa (Grandpa) in Elijah’s room

Elijah: I don’t get it, Bumpa! I have questions.

Grandpa: What questions, Elijah? Shoot!

I don’t want to! We don’t like guns at daycare!

I’m sorry, Elijah. I don’t mean shoot. I meant it as a “figure of speech”.

Yeah! We like figures. One, two, free, four, . . . l, m, n, o, p. . .

I’m so proud of you!, Elijah! You know your numbers and your ABCs! But “a figure of speech” is different, it’s an idiom.

Like what?

Like . . . you might say that somebody “lies like a rug.” So what are your question?

We hate lying, We like facts, right Bumpa?

Yes. We do, Elijah.

So we don’t like the Publicans. They lie like rugs, right?

Publicans?

Yeah, Publicans, like the ones on TV who hate facts and get all angry on TV.

I see.

We’re not Publicans! We like Jesus, right?

Well, yes, sort of. You’ll come to your own faith as you grow older. The Publicans collected taxes for the Romans. It would be like Americans working for a foreign government.

Okay. But we’re not publicans. We don’t like craters and creezin, right?

Creezin? Are you sure you have the right words?

Geez, Bumpa! Don’t ya know? C r e e z i n ! Like you and Grandma have for breakfast every morning.

Ah, now I get it. We eat Raisin Bran. R a i s i n B r a n. You mean treason! T r e a s o n.

Yeah! Are they going to de-peach you? Did you commit creezin? Are you and Gamma craters who should be de-peached? Publicancraters?

Those are big words you’ll learn about in school. No, we can’t be impeached, and we’re not Publicans. We try to stick with the facts, not lie like a rug. Any other questions?

Yeah. Ucranes. We have Ucranes at the cabin. Do Ucranes whistle?

  • Grandpa and Elijah, Dec. 4, 2019.