“Grandpa,” asked a very concerned four day-old Elijah, “will Donald Trump still be President when I get to vote?”
A Question for Grandpa
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Category Archives: Humor
Taps in different keys
Sixty-three years ago, the American Legion recruited two 12 year-old trumpet players to play “Taps” for the Memorial Day Service at the Glenwood Memorial Cemetery in Broomall, Pennsylvania.
It was a rare privilege granted the few. One of us would play a short refrain — “da ta daaaah…”; the other would echo it from below the wall. The next refrain would follow, as would the echo until the special rendering of “Taps” had moved everyone to the respectful silence appropriate to Memorial Day.
It was a nice idea. We practiced. All went well. Very dramatic! Until Memorial Day when Alex’s echo came back in a different key.
The 12 year-olds lost it!!! The only sounds were a few choked back laughs. There was no “Taps” that year. The 12 year-old weren’t invited back when they were 13.
- Gordon C. Stewart, Chaska, MN, May 29, 2017
Mom! Stop treating me like Martin!
Elijah doesn’t like being confined. He’s screaming for release from his swaddle!
Maybe Elijah already knows about Martin Sostre held in solitary confinement at Clinton Correctional Facility in Dannemora, New York, and the warden who allowed him only one hour of freedom in the prison yard . . . or about the 2016 prison revolt when the Dannemora inmates refused to return to their cells from the exercise yard.
“Mom! Stop acting acting like a warden! I love to drink and stuff… but I’m not a fetus anymore! I need some exercise! And stop calling me Elijah; my name is Martin!”
Perhaps the swaddle is to little Elijah’s mind what solitary confinement was to the protesting Martin: a violation of the human rights to the free exercise of speech and bodily movement for the purpose of allowing the warden . . . or the Mom . . . to sleep securely through the night.
But there’s a big difference between the two. When Martin Sostre made a lot of noise, Marin was confined to his swaddle while the warden slept soundly miles away. When Elijah – or is it Martin? – protests every hour or so through the night –“Mom! I’m not a fetus anymore!”– his mother is crying in the same cell.
This morning their roles have switched. Elijah’s sleepless mother is a weary protester; the well-fed rioter is sleeping happily in his swaddle.
- Shared against prison regulations by an adoring grandfather in Chaska, MN, May 28, 2017.
The Amish Pope with the Trumps
The Amish don’t like cameras. Humility tells them to shun photographs. Why? Because a photograph draws attention to oneself. Christ calls a human being to be humble. Christ calls a person to be modest. Christ calls a person to take a place in the community and to shun “the English” love of ostentation and self-aggrandizement.
There are no Bentleys or Fords among the Amish, no one-percent and 99 percent, or, if there is the latter, no one can tell it by the buggies they drive. It’s the community that counts. They all wear black.
Maybe the president and his family thought the Pope was Amish? Although the Pope is robed in white linen, the Pope’s facial expression leaves one to wonder whether perhaps the Trumps were right.
American Gothic and the Amish Pope
Gordon C. Stewart, Chaska, MN, May 26, 2017.
Naming the (step)grandchild
When the Chinese waitperson who has mixed two Kettle One martinis with twists and a yellowfin tuna roll listens carefully to the reason you’re at Sake Sushi — your pregnant step-daughter is being induced into labor two weeks before her due date because of high blood pressure — responds to your inappropriate question about a good name for the baby (it’s a boy) with “PETER!”, could she be the voice of God?
Just wondering. I’ve enjoyed two Kettle One martinis!
By morning I expect the baby to leave the womb. We shall see whether he is Jackson, Elijah, Eli, Micah. . . or Peter!
Pray for the mother, the child, and the weary grandmother at the hospital.
- Gordon, safely home from Sake Sushi in Chaska, MN, May 20, 2017.
Barclay and his Big Sister
Barclay and his big sister pausing on the walking path.
Lonely folks cruise the internet hoping for a good match. Websites pair strangers looking for love. They meet in coffee shops, bars, parks, and restaurants.
On rare occasions the two make for a good match. NEVER are they better matched than Barclay and his big sister.
We should all be so lucky! Forget the internet. Get a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and some pink shoes, and enjoy the mutual admiration on a good walk, healing and heeling at the same time.
- Gordon C. Stewart, Barclay’s Dad, Chaska, MN, April 9, 2017, responding to The Daily Post invitation to share a photograph and commentary on the theme “A Good Match“.
Rover and his Master
The English language can be very confusing. Some English words are pronounced identically, but their meanings are altogether different.
Take the words ‘heal‘ and ‘heel‘, for instance.
You might say, “I sure hope you heal quickly” to someone with an injured heel.” But you might also say to Rover,”I sure wish you’d learn to heel,” which could really confuse Rover; or say to Rover’s master – who’s healing slowly from an injured achilles heel – and to Rover, “Good morning, Sir! Good morning, Rover! So good to see you both he-ling so well,” but it wouldn’t be the same – all because of one little letter that doesn’t get pronounced. Then again, you might call Rover’s master with the healing achilles heel a real heel if he beats Rover with the heel of his hand or heel of his shoe when Rover fails to heel.
Tell me again. Why do we speak English? Wait! Wait! Don’t tell me!
- Gordon C. Stewart, Chaska, MN, written this April 8, 2017 when, while healing from PMR, I had nothing better to do than respond to The Daily Post‘s invitation to write a post on the word ‘heal’.
To all my cheap friends . . .
With nothing else to say today, I take this anniversary eve (see below) to beg all my cheap friends: “Get out your credit card and spring for Be Still! Departure from Collective Madness, and I’ll buy you a Graeter’s ice cream Sundae next time I’m in a state that has Graeter’s.” Otherwise, I’ll just owe you. I’m as cheap as I am vain.
Be Still! costs $20.98 in paperback or $9.99 on kindle. But if you subtract the cost of a free Graeter’s Sundae ($5.25 + tax), the kindle would only cost you a net $4.74 (even less when including the tax on the Sundae)!
Publishers increasingly depend on their authors’ vanity – the sinful self-promotion that has consumed me since Be Still!‘s release January 6, 2017, three months ago tomorrow.
- Gordon C. Stewart, begging in vain without apology from Chaska, MN, April 5, 2017.
The Con Man: Presidential Bait-and-Switch
Bill Maher goes right to the heart of the matter – truth spoken clearly with biting humor grounded in the bait-and-switch FACTS of Donald Trump’s own words – campaign promises – compared with reality itself and what he’s doing as President.
Click THIS LINK for Bill Maher’s “New Rules” segment following failure of the American Health Care Act.
Bill Maher often breaks the rules of social propriety. But one rule he never breaks: tell the honest truth as best you’re able.
- Gordon C. Stewart, Chaska, MN, March 30, 2017.
When the hearing aid goes dumb
I have two hearing aids. I need them both.
All of a sudden there was no sound in the left ear. Nada! The hearing aid just quit while listening to a sermon in church. No idea what was said from that point on.
I went home. Changed the battery. Nada. Changed the little white insert at the end of the receiver thinking it might be clogged. Still no sound.
Monday morning, while waiting at the hearing clinic for a verdict on the problem, an older man and his daughter took the seats across from me in the waiting area. They started a conversation. I pointed to my left ear, saying I couldn’t hear. The daughter said something and pointed to her father who also said something I couldn’t understand. Then I said, “I can’t hear,” and smiled. “Sometimes I like the silence. The world is very noisy.” The man laughed. The daughter nodded and smiled knowingly.
It was a momentary communion of glorious shared silence.
The result? The hearing aid has been sent off to the manufacturer for repair of a twisted wire inside the hearing mold. My left ear now wears a loaner, a rental from Herz until my vehicle returns at the cost of $250. I re-imagine the text of the sermon I couldn’t hear:
“Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent.” – Proverbs 17:28
- Gordon C. Stewart, Chaska, MN, March 28, 2017.
Views from the Edge 