Those who grew up on the Howdy Doody Show will recognize that Mr. Bluster is at it again tonight in DesMoines, Iowa. The only things missing are Buffalo Bob and FOX.
Mr. Bluster and Mr. Trump
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Category Archives: Humor
Not Lemonade
“When life gives you lemons… make something else. Tell us about a time you used an object or resolved a tricky situation in an unorthodox way.” – Not Lemonade
The invitation brought to mind an altogether different memory. It’s unorthodox, but not what the Daily Post had in mind.
The memory is “Lemonade-on-the-Lawn” at Knox Presbyterian Church in Cincinnati. During the summer months worshipers gathered on the church lawn at the corner of Observatory and Michigan for conversation over lemonade.
Visitors frequently misunderstood the pulpit announcements to be an invitation to eliminate on the lawn. They were relieved to learn about the lemonade.
- Gordon C. Stewart, Chaska, MN, former Pastor, Knox Presbyterian Church, Cincinnati, January 26, 2016.
Spell check chuckle
Kosuke Koyama, Ph.D
Was the professor’s career distinguished or disguised?
Last night’s post stated that Kosuke Koyama had “a disguised career as John D. Rockefeller, Jr. Professor of World Christianity at Union Theological Seminary in the City of New York.”
The distinguished professor would get a chuckle.
Thanks to Carolyn Kidder (no pun intended) who had a disguised career as a music librarian at the University of Pennsylvania, for arresting the spell check error in the fourth paragraph.
- Gordon, Chaska, MN, Ja. 26, 2016
The Varieties of Religious Appearance
Pulpits and lecterns are “One size fits all!”
Visiting preachers will cover the wall.
A very short woman,
She carries her step in
I’m very tall, so I carry a hole…
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERASteve Shoemaker, Urbana, IL, January 25, 2016
NOTE: These photographs of Steve kneeling (l) and standing (r) were taken several years ago at the historic pulpit of Sheldon Jackson in Colorado.
Sheldon was a smaller guy with a big heart. Steve’s has the same heart and is likely much more humorous than Sheldon, but who’s to say?
Pops Warfel and the School Playground
“Pops” Warfel, the Principal at Marple Elementary School in Broomall, PA, was like a prison warden. Every prison warden has his guards, his ‘goons’, as the prisoners call them. Every school back in the 1950s had its Safeties, the Principal’s goons who wandered the Yard during recess to keep the students in line. Real guys. Like Sammy Peacock.
School Safeties
In the 3rd Grade Sammy, attired in his Safety outfit, “arrested” his classmate Gordon during recess for cursing. “I DIDN’T curse,” said I.
“You did, too,” said Sam. “You said a bad word. I’m taking you to the Principal’s Office!”
Pops Wafel asked his Goon what happened out in the Yard. “Gordon, you know better than that. You father’s a minister! He wouldn’t approve of you using language like that. We’ll keep this between us just this once. But if it happens again, I’ll have to tell your father.”
Long before I read Kafka’s The Trial, I experienced existential guilt – the feeling of guilt for something I never did – the guilt of being alive. I was Josef K in The Trial.
Meanwhile, Pops Warfel was violating one of the prison rules daily: no eating in class. Pops often reached into his desk drawer, and, pretending to cough, would pop in a jelly bean. No one dared say a word.
- Gordon C. Stewart, Marple Elementary Inmate #00056789, Jan. 22, 2016
Ah, Finally a Florida Vacation!
Three couples rented a house this week in Florida. We selected the place after an extensive search using criteria of natural setting, water-front, quiet, three bedrooms, fully-equipped kitchen, views, kayaks/canoes provided, cost with a no-smoking policy. The house is on an estuary with manatees, ospreys, pelicans, egrets, Great Blue Herons, oyster-catchers, and advertised a million dollar view. It was too cool for the manatees, but that’s understandable. All 10 of the renters who rated their experience gave it ***** out of five. Hmmm.
QUESTIONS YOU MIGHT WANT TO ASK BEFORE BOOKING A VACATION RENTAL.
Do the owners live on the lower level?
- Do the owners smoke?
- If they smoke, how many packs/day do they smoke?
- Does the smoke seep up through the floors into the closets of the rental unit?
- Do they smoke anything else?
- How do we get up to the rental unit?
- Are the steps inside or outside?
- If outside, are they protected from high winds and torrential rains?
- Do the beds squeak?
- Is there an odor and standing water around the house that’s related to nature, but not the estuary?
- Are you on the city sewer system, or do you have a septic tank?
- If septic tank, has it been pumped out in the last year or two?
- Is there a limit on the number of showers we can take per day?
- What’s the meaning of a “quick” shower?
- Is there a limit on the number of times we can flush the toilet before it runs down the driveway?
- What kind of deck and balcony furniture is provided?
- If it’s made of plastic, how long has it been weathering?
- Has any of the plastic chairs on the balcony crumbled underneath a renter recently?
- Do you have drinking glasses? How many?
- Do you have coffee cups? How many?
- Do you have enough forks, knives, and spoons for six people to all eat at the same time or must we eat in shifts?
- Do you have a dishwasher?
- Will we need to buy Imodium because of the drinking water?
- When it rains, does the rain pour through the top of the west-facing window frames?
- Does the wind echo through the house like a freight train?
- Once you lower yourself the kayak from the deck, is there a way to get out without injuring yourself?
- Did you build the house yourself with the proper building permits?
- Was the house built with salvaged materials?
On the plus side, when we asked the owner for more plates, bowls, and coffee cups – there were four or five of each – he said he’d go downstairs and tell his wife. Nothing happened. Later in the day, before dinner, we asked again. “Oh,” he said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes.” He returned from Marshalls with newly purchased plates and glasses. We were grateful. He went back for the coffee cups, and everyone was happy!
Now…about that broken plastic chair that still sits the bedroom balcony!
- Gordon C. Stewart, FL, January 22, 2016
Verse – The Word-Supple Couple
OR “THE BIRTH OF HERMENEUTICS”
There once was a dissatisfied couple
whose way with words was quite supple.
An Ermine was he; a Eunice was she.
“I hate being “Ermine,” said he;
“I hate being Eunice,” said she.
With Plato in hand, they looked
and they looked for a new name
to couple the word-supple couple,
so it was that Ermine and Eunice gave
birth to the world’s first Hermeneutics.
- Gordon (with apologies!), Tampa, FL, Jan. 21, 2016
NOTE: Read “Hermeneutics” posted moments ago.
The Donald at 11 year old
Imagine a class room of 11 year olds. Donald Trump takes on the teacher!
Click Li’l Donald to enjoy Bill Flanagan’s story in the The New Yorker.
Another Use for Vaseline in 2016
Three gifts are mentioned in the story of the Three Kings, aka the Wise men, and the Magi: gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
Moments ago, on Epiphany, three seminary friends arrived at Steve and Nadja Shoemaker’s home on the prairie near Urbana, Illinois. It’d be a stretch to call Harry, Bob, and Don the Three Kings or the Wise Men. More like three wise guys, not from the East, but from the West and North – Corsicana, Texas; Prescott, Arizona; and Highland Park, Illinois – bringing a lighter touch to Steve, the patient with the terminal diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.
Harry, the musician among them, will lead them in his own freshly-written lyrics to the tune of the Epiphany hymn “We Three Kings” – a trio of bass and baritone voices – bringing laughter to the room Kay and I can hear all the way in Minnesota.
Many years ago, a similar thing happened in New York City where Episcopal lay theologian William (Bill) Stringfellow was in Surgical Intensive Care following near fatal pancreatic surgery.
Entering the room following the surgery, Stringfellow’s close friend Bishop James A. Pike exclaimed, “Well, I’m a bishop. I should do something!” He promptly disappeared. Moments later he returned with Bill’s attending nurse and a large bottle of petroleum jelly. He consecrated the jelly, declaring to the nurse with typical Pike humor that “this substance has now been set apart for uses other than those ordinary and familiar for Vaseline.”
“Taking a thumbful of this freshly made urgent, he came to the bedside and anointed me,” wrote Stringfellow, “signing my forehead with the cross, and saying:
“‘I anoint you in the name of God; beseeching the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all your pain and sickness of body being put to flight, the blessing of health may be restored to you. Amen.'” [William Stringfellow, A Second Birthday, Doubleday & Company, 1970]
The bishop’s prayer of unction for the sick was near verbatim from The Book of Common Prayer of the Episcopal Church.
When the surgeon told the patient that his recovery was spectacular, Stringfellow replied, “That doesn’t surprise me at all. I was anointed by Bishop Pike! – what else would you expect?”
This Day of Epiphany, I hope the Three Wise Men, Steve and Nadja may enjoy the same fellowship, humor, and prayer all these years later. They bring no gold, frankincense or myrrh, but everyone in the Urbana gathering tonight knows that when the end is in sight, only the frankincense, the myrrh, and telling stories only dear friends call tell are appropriate. The third gift – gold – no longer matters, if it ever did!
- Gordon C. Stewart, Chaska, MN, Epiphany, Jan. 6, 2016
Verse – Yule-ogy
after christmas the tree puked
needles the cat even ignored ornaments
the smudgy guilty fingerprints
enhanced the window glass
about two feet up with proof
of candy eaten frosting licked
from fingers and dog nose prints
mixed in for the seurat effect
while good people slept the sleep
of the over-indulged oblivious to the
recent refugees while focusing
on their personal holy family
- Steve Shoemaker, Urbana, IL, Jan. 6, 2016
Detail from Seurat’s La Parade de Cirque (1889), showing the contrasting dots of paint used in Pointillism, Metropolitan Museum of Art
NOTE: I, Gordon, not as well educated as Steve, had to look up ‘seurat’. Click HERE for information on George Seurat, the 19th Century painter known for introducing chromoluminarism and pointillism. and to get the drift of Steve’s upbeat poem. Though not feeling well these days, as noted elsewhere on Views from the Edge and on his CaringBridge page, Steve continues to amaze with his sardonic sense of humor in the face of the eventual eulogy.
Today three close mutual seminary friends from Texas, Arizona, and Illinois meet at Chicago’s Midway Airport and drive to Urbana for a short visit with Steve, Nadja, and their confused dog, Blazer. Blessings and peace to Don Dempsey, Bob Young, Harry Strong, Steve, Nadja, and Blazer.
Views from the Edge 