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Category Archives: Satire
What every New Yorker knows about Donald Trump
For a good dose of both truth and humor, click What every New Yorker knows, a Washington Post piece about the presidential candidate whose name we ruefully deign to mention.
Gordon C. Stewart, Chaska, MN, September 22, 2016.
Verse – NRC
I fear for her life
haters speak their hate
Handgun rifle knife
Semi-automatic fate
Nothing could be worse
Her Chief Commander
USA will fail
To the blacks she’ll pander
Supreme Court she’ll stack
Liberal lawyers pack
Constitution lack
All have empty gun rack
Use them while we can
Vitriol drives our plan
Sneers give us our cue
We know what to do
- Steve Shoemaker, Urbana, IL, July 21, 2016
Verse – Just a Common Man
I’m sleeping on sheets with 2,000 thread count.
My cars and my toilets all have heated seats.
My steaks are all prime & my pies are home-made.
My wife is a beauty & loves to be laid.
My pilot, my driver, my cook and my maid
All think I’m as perfect as a boss can be.
I earned what I have the old-fashioned way:
My parents were rich and gave me a start.
They helped when I failed, and cheered when I won.
We bought all the votes in the biggest landslide
Our State ever saw–ain’t democracy great?
- Steve Shoemaker, Urbana, IL, April 10, 2016
President to Appoint first Muslim to Supreme Court
[An exclusive cutting edge “edgy” report on a wacky world from Views from the Edge]
Washington, D.C., Feb. 16, 2016
On the heels of The Onion’s announcement that President Obama is preparing “a short list of gay, transsexual abortion doctors” to fill the U.S. Supreme Court vacancy created by the sudden death of Justice Antonin Scalia (The Onion, Feb. 15), an anonymous source from the Office of Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) notified Views from the Edge of President Obama’s secret plan to appoint Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN) to become the first Muslim to sit on the nation’s highest court.
Mr. Ellison, an African American civil rights leader and criminal defense attorney, is the first Muslim elected to the U.S. Congress. Mr. Ellison quickly rose to leadership positions in the Congressional Black Caucus. He is one of only two members of Congress to support Democratic Socialist Senator Bernie Sanders’ bid for the Presidency. President Obama, according to the source, will make the appointment during the Congressional recess at a Black Lives Matter event at a time and location yet to be determined.
When Views from the Edge asked Senator Cruz’s Office to confirm the story, Senator Cruz, a Republic candidate for President, took the call himself, calling Obama a liar who has done great harm to this country and re-affirming his position that the Senate will block any nomination made by America’s secret Muslim President. “Congress will never recess before a new president is inaugurated in 2017,” said the Senator. “I look forward to making that appointment. I have a short-list ready to go.”
Asked whether the alleged nomination of Mr. Ellison would be worse than the appointment of someone from the President’s shortlist of gay, transsexual abortion doctors revealed by The Onion, Senator Cruz took the opportunity to denounce Donald Trump as a non-Republican, closeted liberal suspected of a longtime friendship with a New York liberal Presbyterian obstetrician with well-known tendencies, and declared that Trump’s nominee to replace Justice Scalia on the Court would be no better, and perhaps worse, than Mr. Obama’s.
When pressed for the names on his list of potential nominees, Mr. Cruz said it would be inappropriate at this time except to say it includes a committed Christian university president serving in Lynchburg, VA and a radio talk-show host he was in no rush to name.
- Gordon C. Stewart, Chaska, MN, Feb. 16, 2016.
Ah, Finally a Florida Vacation!
Three couples rented a house this week in Florida. We selected the place after an extensive search using criteria of natural setting, water-front, quiet, three bedrooms, fully-equipped kitchen, views, kayaks/canoes provided, cost with a no-smoking policy. The house is on an estuary with manatees, ospreys, pelicans, egrets, Great Blue Herons, oyster-catchers, and advertised a million dollar view. It was too cool for the manatees, but that’s understandable. All 10 of the renters who rated their experience gave it ***** out of five. Hmmm.
QUESTIONS YOU MIGHT WANT TO ASK BEFORE BOOKING A VACATION RENTAL.
Do the owners live on the lower level?
- Do the owners smoke?
- If they smoke, how many packs/day do they smoke?
- Does the smoke seep up through the floors into the closets of the rental unit?
- Do they smoke anything else?
- How do we get up to the rental unit?
- Are the steps inside or outside?
- If outside, are they protected from high winds and torrential rains?
- Do the beds squeak?
- Is there an odor and standing water around the house that’s related to nature, but not the estuary?
- Are you on the city sewer system, or do you have a septic tank?
- If septic tank, has it been pumped out in the last year or two?
- Is there a limit on the number of showers we can take per day?
- What’s the meaning of a “quick” shower?
- Is there a limit on the number of times we can flush the toilet before it runs down the driveway?
- What kind of deck and balcony furniture is provided?
- If it’s made of plastic, how long has it been weathering?
- Has any of the plastic chairs on the balcony crumbled underneath a renter recently?
- Do you have drinking glasses? How many?
- Do you have coffee cups? How many?
- Do you have enough forks, knives, and spoons for six people to all eat at the same time or must we eat in shifts?
- Do you have a dishwasher?
- Will we need to buy Imodium because of the drinking water?
- When it rains, does the rain pour through the top of the west-facing window frames?
- Does the wind echo through the house like a freight train?
- Once you lower yourself the kayak from the deck, is there a way to get out without injuring yourself?
- Did you build the house yourself with the proper building permits?
- Was the house built with salvaged materials?
On the plus side, when we asked the owner for more plates, bowls, and coffee cups – there were four or five of each – he said he’d go downstairs and tell his wife. Nothing happened. Later in the day, before dinner, we asked again. “Oh,” he said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes.” He returned from Marshalls with newly purchased plates and glasses. We were grateful. He went back for the coffee cups, and everyone was happy!
Now…about that broken plastic chair that still sits the bedroom balcony!
- Gordon C. Stewart, FL, January 22, 2016
Two Guys from Corinth
The students at Liberty University heard about the two guys from Corinth yesterday. Guest speaker Donald Trump quoted 2 Corinthians, confirming his Christian credentials to the scripture-based evangelical Christian audience at Liberty University.
There were snickers. People who know the New Testament don’t call Paul’s Second Letter to the Corinthians “TWO Corinthians”; they use the short hand “Second Corinthians.”
Most other places Trump’s mention of Two Corinthians would make a great opening line for a story.
A guy walks into a bar and says, “‘Hey, listen up. Two Corinthians were walking in mid-Manhattan, and the one guy says to the other, ‘You know what? This Trump guy comes up to me at 86th and Fifth Avenue and starts talking like he knows our town.’
“‘Yeah?’says the second guy from Corinth. ‘He did the same with me. But does he speak Greek?’
“‘What’s the matter with you! As long as he tells stories about Two Corinthians, I don’t care. The guy’s makin’ us famous. The people at Liberty love us. Besides, Greece is in big trouble. Maybe Trump can fix Greece, too!'”
An NRA Christmas
But Mary was much perplexed by his words and pondered what sort of greeting this might be. The angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. Conceal and carry!”
Luke 1: 26-28 NRAV [National Rifle Association Version]
- Gordon C. Stewart, Chaska, MN, Dec. 22, 2015
Verse – Protecting the Homeland by Donnie Trump
Protecting the Homeland by Donnie Trump (2nd grade)
Statue of Liberty plaque with Emma Lazarus’ poem “The Colossus”
You don’t get to come here –
“you tired, you poor,
You huddled masses,
yearning to breath free,
you wretched refuse of
your teeming shore,
Stay home, you homeless,
tempest tossed,
my lamp’s blown out
beside the golden door.”
[Simpleton Press, NY, NY, Dec. 8, 2015.]
Click Cartoon a Day for cartoon by Bryant Arnold.
- Gordon C. Stewart, Chaska, MN, Dec. 8, 2015.
Verse – Packin’ heat for Jesus
“Pack some heavy heat, Boys,”
said Jesus to the Apostles
on his way to pray in the
Garden of Gethsemane
and off again to the Mount
of Olives – that liberal
haunt with olive branches,
doves, and sh-t like that –
“Conceal and carry, Boys,”
he’d said, in the Upper Room
where that sissy John
laid against his breast –
“Get your guns, Boys,
the Fags, Commies, and
Mohammad-lovers are
comin’ to kill our faith.
“You have heard that it was
said, ‘love your neighbor’,
but I say, take ‘em out, Boys,
we’re ‘the home of the brave’.”
by J. Feelwell, Re-imagining Jesus, Crusaders Press, Lynchburg, VA, Dec. 9, 2015
- Gordon C. Stewart, Chaska, MN – Satire Press :-), Dec. 9, 2015.
Views from the Edge 