Alt-News: President resigns

My Fellow Americans,

I stand before you today to announce my resignation, effective tomorrow at noon E.T.

To all of you who supported my campaign to drain the swamp in Washington, this decision will come as a huge disappointment, but it will not come as a surprise.

6a00e554dac08588330115702f407e970c-320wiAs a real estate developer I know that some swamps can’t be drained. As the Bible teaches, the wise man built his house upon the rock; the foolish man built his house upon the swamp. And the rains came down, and the rains came down, just like they’re coming down now in Texas, and the floods came up and washed the foolish man’s house away.

I’m no fool. I’m a developer. I know when to get in, and I know when to get out.

No matter how hard I’ve tried to lead you out of this swamp, the evil press continues to undermine my efforts — efforts greater than anyone in history before me and, I’m sad to say, greater than anyone who will ever come after me — to rid the country of the snakes, alligators, and crocodiles that are destroying our beloved country and undermining my promise to make America great again.

Donald Trump

America will never be great again. Our best days are behind us.

You elected me because you wanted a winner. I’m a winner! Hillary lost. She lost big! She’s a sore loser. Just the other day she whined about our debate. “Donald stalked me; he stalked me!” Wa-wa-wa! I won. She lost. But the America I ran to save can only be saved by you, the American people. It can only be saved when you rise up to empty the whole swamp of Washington.

Tomorrow I will turn over the swamp to Vice President Mike Pence. Mike is a man who knows the swamp as well as anyone. He came to his office from Congress and will fit right in.


Pincely Diamond Suite, Hotel Hermitage, Monte Carlo, Monaco

Melania, Barron, Ivanka, Jarod, and I will be moving to Monaco at the invitation of Prince Albert II. Monaco is a principality, but it’s already great! The Prince has invited the Trump family to live as his guests in the Princely Diamond Suite of the Hotel Hermitage in Monte Carlo where our beloved Grace Kelly — remember the beautiful Grace Kelly, sooo beautiful; she was drop-dead gorgeous — found a home outside her country as Princess of Monaco, and has invited me to be the grand marshal of the 2018 Monaco Grand Prix, the world’s most famous grand prix.

I love you all. I love America. I wish you well. I’m not a loser. I’m a winner like Prince Albert II whom the press also tried to destroy with vicious allegations of sexual exploits and illegitimate children.

Finally, I say to the New York Times, the Washington Post, CNN, MSNBC, and all the other fake news media, Mitch McConnell — what a loser! — to Hillary and Bill (whose campaigns, by the way, I generously supported over the years without a word of thanks), Mr. Comey, and Mr. Mueller, as President of the United States of America, I hereby absolve myself of all responsibility for the swamp by issuing a presidential pardon of Joe Arapio and of myself for all alleged offenses past, present future.


May God bless Joe, may God bless what could have been the United States of America, and may God bless the son of our beloved Grace Kelly.

  • Oh, my, it felt so good to write this! Ghost writer, Gordon C. Stewart, Chaska, MN, August 26, 2017.



It Happened in MIAMI

Today’s news reports three high-profile personnel moves.

  1. Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino was fired for “the decision to mislead the public.”
  2. Best Buy CEO Brian Dunn resigned. “Certain issues were brought to the [Best Buy] board’s attention regarding Mr. Dunn’s personal conduct…and an audit committee investigation was initiated.”
  3. Miami Marlins (that’s a baseball team) Manager Ozzie Guillen was suspended five games. This is the one that’s interesting.

Why was Ozzie suspended five games?

Well…he said something. And now, he says, “I’m on my knees to apologize.”  He was speaking at a news conference at the Marlin’s new baseball stadium that just opened in the Cuban-American neighborhood of Miami.

So…what did he say? Did he utter a string of profanity? Did he assault an umpire? Did he steal money? Was he having an affair with one of his ball-players? Was he insubordinate to the front office? Well…sort of the latter, maybe, in a round about sort of way.

He said something positive about the man Miami Cuban-Americans love to hate. He had outraged the very people the Miami Marlins owners are hoping will fill the seats of the new stadium.

I love Fidel Castro. [OOPS!] I respect Fidel Castro [OOPS again!!!], you know why? A lot of people have wanted to kill Fidel Castro for the last 60 years, but [he] is still here.” – interview with Time magazine.

Ozzie is Venezuelan. Maybe he doesn’t remember that it was Miami Cuban ex-patriots who led the United States into the Bay of Pigs disaster. They tried to kill him. Instead they brought the world to the edge of nuclear holocaust. You don’t get to say that, Ozzie. Your fan base loves to hate Fidel. They hate Fidel more than they love the Miami Marlins, and more than they love the Marlins’ new Spanish-speaking Manager.

Ozzie has a history of sticking his foot in his mouth. That comes with the territory when you hire Ozzie. Now he’s back-tracking, claiming the statement came out wrong because he wasn’t speaking in Spanish. It came out wrong in English. Time magazine stands by its story.

The Associated Press reports this morning that “Guillen said the uproar he created has left him sad, embarrassed and feeling stupid. He said he accepted the team’s punishment. ‘When you’re a sportsman, you shouldn’t be involved in politics,’ he said. ‘I’m going to be a Miami guy for the rest of my life. I want to walk in the street with my head up and feel not this bad, the way I feel now.'”

Bobby Petrino and Brian Dunn have lost their jobs. Ozzie still has his… in Miami.

Given the history of the intended fan base of the Miami Marlins, if I were Ozzie, I think I’d stand by my words and take the first flight home to Venezuela while I still had time before I became the surrogate for the man they love to hate and want to kill in Cuba.