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Category Archives: Humor
Stephen Colbert’s test of Christian faith
Stephen Colbert offered the following statement on The Late Show after presidential candidates Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush spoke of admitting only Christian Syrian refugees to the U.S.:
“If you want to know if somebody’s a Christian just ask them to complete this sentence,” Colbert said pulling out his Catechism card. “‘Jesus said I was hungry and you gave me something to eat. I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink. I was a stranger and you….’
And if they don’t say ‘welcomed me in’ then they are either a terrorist or they’re running for president.”
Click HERE to watch and listen to Colbert’s remarks on Syrian refugees, Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush.
You gotta love Stephen Colbert, the good Catholic boy who remembers his Catechism and takes it dead seriously.
- Gordon C. Stewart, Chaska, MN, Nov. 21, 2015
Verse – It Works with Congress
Some think a score-keeper’s in heaven.
They say that it simply must be.
For life here below,
It’s easy to show,
Is not fair for you or for me…
You’re sweet and always kind-hearted,
But also as poor as a bird.
I’m mean as a snake,
But I always make
So much money, it’s simply absurd!
You work-out, but never are healthy.
I drink booze and lounge with TV.
I’m never unwell,
And all can just tell
I’ll out-live you, just wait and see.
Some say Justice waits till here-after.
The scales must be balanced up there.
I hope that a BRIBE
Will get me inside,
And that Heaven will still not be fair!
- Steve Shoemaker, Urbana, IL, Nov. 12, 2015
How I Became a Catcher
Once upon a time a long time ago, I was a little “Big A”, a Little League baseball team in Broomall, Pennsylvania. So was Coach McBride’s short son, Dickie, the 10 year-old Little League All Star catch. I was the smaller than small 8 yr. old Big A’s bench-warmer without a position.
I came to the plate once as an 8 yr. old. “Stewart,” said Mr. McBride, “Get a bat. You’re going to pinch hit. We’ve got to get somebody on base. You’re the man. Robin Williams is the best in the league, but you’ve got the smallest strike zone. So… here’s what I want you to do. Crouch down. Don’t take the bat off your shoulder. Make him pitch to you. No matter how good the pitch looks, DON’T SWING. Got it?”
“Got it, Coach.”
Three pitches later, the bat was still on my shoulder. I struck out on three called strikes. But the truth was I could barely see Robin’s fast ball!
When the McBride family moved to Cleveland the next year, the Big A’s had no catcher. The new coach lined all us Big As up in a row along the first base line. “We don’t have a catcher. Who’d like to catch?”
No hands went up. Not a one.
“Here’s my big chance to get off the bench. Dickie was short. Size didn’t matter to Dickie!” said I to myself.
“I’ll try it!”
They strapped on the shin guards, six inches taller than my knees. The chest protector draped over my torso like a horse blanket over a pony. The mask and catcher’s mitt were heavy. Freddie Lamb took the mound. Bobby Lawson stepped into the batter’s box. The pitch came. Bobby swung and missed. I blinked…but, to my surprise, caught the ball. From that moment on I was the Big A’s little catcher.
Moral of the story? If you’re short, don’t count yourself out. You, too, could proudly wear the tools of ignorance, and become another Big A’s All Star catcher.
- Gordon C. Stewart, Big A forever with Freddie Lamb, Bobby Lawson, Ron Nagy, Kenny Olson, Arden Silverian, Gary Boen, Robbie Gillmor, and all the rest. You guys were the best! Love you all. November 10, 2015.
Verse – the Decline of Western Civilization
What we called “Jewels”
are now called “Junk.”
And what we straight guys called “Heaven”
is now called a “Hoohaw.”
[Nota bene: if one clicks “like” on this post, it does NOT mean one approves of this degradation of nomenclature. Rather, a “like” indicates gratitude to the author for pointing out yet another sign of impending disaster. 😇]
- Steve Shoemaker, Urbana, IL, October 23, 2015
Verse – Weight-Loss Plan
Each year pounds have started to show.
On belly and butt they do grow.
I decided then
That I would lose ten
And I only have fifteen to go!
- Steve Shoemaker, Urbana, IL, September 24, 2015
Verse – The Ubiquiphone
The Ubiquiphone
The thermometer outside would tell
The temperature, heaven or hell.
The paper brought news.
The neighbors shared views,
But now I just look at my cell.
The mobile that I use instead
Of books that I often had read
Has also replaced,
Has simply erased
The facts that I had in my head.
My computer I never go near–
I’ve not seen my desk for a year.
The next phone that I buy
I’m afraid it will try
To make even my spouse disappear!
- Steve Shoemaker, Urbana, IL, Sept. 13, 2015
“When you’re rich, they think you really know”
Video
A song for Labor Day from Fiddler on the Roof helps explain the rise of You-Know-Who who seems to really know. When ordinary folks are losing their heads momentarily, a little humor’s good for the soul. Keep an eye out here for Emily Hedges Trumped.
- Gordon C. Stewart, Chaska, MN, September 6, 2015
Who Is Emily Hedges?
Emily Hedges
Emily’s not just any writer. She’s a good one! Emily’s review of Go Set a Watchman, Harper Lee’s controversial sequel to To Kill a Mockingbird, appeared on Views from the Edge on Thursday.
Parenting three adopted children with husband Joe, she carries a history of courageously outgrowing herself. Today she’s thriving at Dartmouth College, earning her master’s degree in creative writing and student-teaching basic writing to undergrads. Kay and I became friends the Hedges during their time here in Minnesota.
New Hampshire is politically hot right now in the run-up to the New Hampshire Presidential Primaries. Donald Trump is making it big. So what happens when conservative parents from Oklahoma take over the television during a family visit in New Hampshire?
You may recognize yourself in this highly personal piece. She’s sensitive to her parents, although she no longer agrees with their conservative, apocalyptic view of the world. She constantly struggles with when to bite her tongue and when to speak up. Now that her children are old enough to be influenced by their beliefs, the stakes have never been higher.
Check back with Views from the Edge for her story Trumped.
- Gordon C. Stewart, Chaska, MN, September 5, 2015.
Political Humor
We hope these lines, shared by a friend, bring a chuckle.
“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.” – Clarence Darrow
“If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.” – Jay Leno
“The problem with political jokes is they get elected.” -Henry Cate, VII
“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” -Aesop
“If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union Speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.” -Will Rogers
“Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.” –John Quinton
“Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.” -Oscar Ameringer
“I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.” -Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
“A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.” -Tex Guinan
“I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.” -Charles de Gaulle
“Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.” -Doug Larson
“If you want a real friend that you can trust in Washington – get a dog.” -Harry Truman
Views from the Edge 