Owning a Canadian

Talk radio host Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Sometimes we just need a good laugh. A little perspective. A time to step back and think.

Ever wondered why you can’t own a Canadian?

On her radio show, Dr. Laura Schlesinger said that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

Read the open letter to Dr. Laura that circulated on the internet for a good laugh:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.

Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education, University of Virginia

P.S. It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian.

12 thoughts on “Owning a Canadian

  1. I first encountered this letter when a commenter shared it over at Tony Powers’ blog. I’m glad it’s still getting around, although it’s disheartening when even this doesn’t alter a person’s perception of their own flawed, and sometimes hateful, reasoning. I keep forgetting that with some people logic isn’t always welcome.

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    • Hi, Sparks. You might be interested in the comment I just posted in reply to Karin’s comment on “Noah’s Ark: Only Two Worms – ‘No Fishing.'” Thanks for weighing in on this.

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  2. I think I remember in the Bible that one should kill a disobedient child, or was it a child who gave you what was once termed “sauce.” That would certainly take care of global overcrowding, but finding a place to bury all those children would be very tricky.

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    • Wish I could hear the voice and wee the twinkle in the eye of life-long friend. I hear an echo of your father and mother’s humor here. Some things do get passed on from one generation to the next.

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  3. I have always learned that while God may not approve of homosexuality, it is not up to me to judge them for their behavior. My job as a child of God is to live my life as best I can according to his laws, no matter how they change, and one of those laws is to turn the other cheek to those that offend me. They too are God’s children. Just like I can’t play judge & jury on my sibling for disobeying my mother or father, I also cannot for my spiritual sibling.

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    • Thanks for coming by. Human sexuality is the most vulnerable spot, the most tender, of a human being. I appreciate your comment. For myself, to believe that same-gender orientation is sinful would mock God’s handiwork, stigmatizing 10% or so of the human race. “All things bright and beautiful,” says an old English hymn, “All creatures great and small, All things wise and wonderful, The Lord God made them all.

      “God gave us eyes to see them, And lips that we might tell How great is God Almighty, Who has made all things well.”

      Have a great day and thanks for dropping by. BTW, what drew you to Views from the Edge?

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    • Yes, funny not so much as in haha but ouch, right? The Bible is a collection of literature whose books and letters are often contradictory or at odds. As such, the Bible demands that the reader INTERPRET it. Otherwise… every question in this humorous response demands that the reader put every line into practice. Thanks for coming by. Love to know how you stumbled across Views from the Edge.

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  4. This is the best thing I have read in ages. I always wonder about all those things people quote about these kinds of laws and now – lol. I can laugh and learn. Great post. Keep them coming.

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    • Sooooooooo funny, isn’t it? So was last night’s Java & Wisdom. Hope you enjoyed the conversation and sense of friendship as much as I. Have a great day and a good meal tonight with future “mother-in-law.”.

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